


CBT

by sedhyt



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Sexual Humor, but no actual sex, someone teach me how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 08:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sedhyt/pseuds/sedhyt
Summary: Fulfillment of an old kinkmeme- Stannis goes to Renly for sex advice.





	CBT

**Author's Note:**

> Be gentle to me - this is the first time I've posted fic anywhere! That out of the way, please enjoy this complete mess.

Renly hadn’t really known what to expect when Stannis had invited him to lunch. If it could even be called an invitation - it was really more Stannis being insistent and stalwart and Stannis-like, and Renly eventually acquiescing out of an equal mix of curiosity and fear of his brother's angry-face.

Stannis wasn’t exactly the type for brotherly bonding. Even working at the same law firm, he kept his brother at a distance - acting more like a distant, vaguely dysfunctional cousin than the elder brother who had practically raised him.

Over the years, Renly had come to accept that as the truth of their relationship, and yet here Stannis was, refolding the restaurant’s napkins into perfect crowns and staring at the menu like it had personally insulted him. Knowing Stannis, he probably felt it had.

Renly supposed it was possible that Stannis was planning on chastising him for his “loose and fast” lifestyle, yet again. What, exactly, it was that Stannis found loose and fast about the entirely monogamous domestic bliss he and Loras shared, Renly would never know. Anyways, it wasn’t like Stannis had much room to talk. After your marriage goes up in (both literal and figurative) flames due to a truly messy attempt at polygamy with a cult leader, you pretty much lose any right to play the morality card.

Besides, things couldn’t get any worse than that one time Stannis had asked him for parenting advice. Really, how was Renly supposed to know how to deal with Shireen’s first boyfriend being Rickon Stark, of all people? 

Well, Renly had learned how to deal with such things, and now he was ready. He would defeat any beast that Stannis sent forth for him to slay.

***

Hubris. Renly had fallen victim to his own hubris and folly. He almost deserved this, he had been so arrogant. So arrogant and so, so foolish.

Renly took a moment to recover from his spit take. “You want me to do _ what _?” 

Stannis shot him a dour look. “Have you gone deaf? It was a simple query. I wish to know how one goes about having sex with men.”

Renly gaped.

“Who- what - how?”

“Neither Davos nor I have past sexual experiences with other men to draw upon. We elected to seek outside counsel.”

“You’re dating _ Davos _ ?” Somehow, out of all of this, the fact that Stannis had chosen _ Davos Seaworth _ for his first foray into gay sex was the most distressing part. 

Davos! The same man who wore his dismembered fingers in a bag around his neck, who had fathered a truly ridiculous number of sons, and even purportedly had a shady past involving produce and pirateering. Seriously, Stannis’s life was bizarre, and it couldn't happen to a more interesting man. 

“Davos and I have been…” Stannis took a rare pause in his usual clipped elocution, “Courting, for quite some time now. Recently, we came to an agreement to advance our relationship. You were the best candidate to instruct us on how to proceed."

Uh-oh. Stannis only got like that, like he had swallowed a thesaurus and was retching it up, one polysyllabic banger after another, when he was nervous. If Stannis was nervous, then that meant - well, he had to be serious, right? The alternative, his older brother finally finding it in him to make a joke about something other than grammar, was simply too mind-bending for Renly to comprehend.

“Couldn’t you - you know you can just Google this stuff, right?”

“Google is an inaccurate source, rife with misinformation. I wouldn’t accept it in court, why should I accept it for myself?”

Internally, Renly facepalmed. Of course, Stannis didn’t trust Google. Of course, he’d decided to ask his own _ brother _, of all people, about how to go about stuffing the sausage. Of course, Renly would have to comply, or risk Stannis putting up a Craigslist ad, or doing something equally Stannis-like.

However, as the shock began to abate, Renly began to recognize the golden, glowing opportunity he had been presented. 

“Well, first you’ve got to get rid of the stick.”

Stannis blinked. Once, twice. Internally, Renly cheered. The first show of emotion all afternoon! Maybe his brother _ wasn’t _ a robot, after all.

“I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with this… stick. Would you care to inform me of it, and its relevance to the matter at hand?”

“You know, the stick you’ve got up your ass.” Renly looked across the table, eyebrows waggling. Surely, Stannis would cotton on soon enough, maybe find a pamphlet or a website he didn’t despise and leave Renly alone.

Really, he should know his brother better by now,

“Fascinating,” Stannis muttered, unzipping his briefcase to unearth a notepad that was, to Renly’s horror, _ already annotated _. 

“Now, this stick,” Stannis continued, “Does it have anything to do with what I have heard referred to as, and I quote, ‘cock and ball torture,’ unquote?”

Gods, and Renly had thought “Robert is marrying Cersei” would be the worst four words he would ever hear Stannis say.

“No,” he replied, slowly, “The stick isn’t related to, um, to CBT.”

“CBT?” Stannis looked up from his notepad, expectantly. “Is that the acronym?”

“Yeah, CBT is an acronym,” Renly found himself momentarily indisposed by a coughing fit. “CBT is an acronym for cock and ball torture.”

“Now, cock and ball torture, does this have anything to do with the ‘Daddy’ kink? Or are they, too, divorced entirely?”

Renly had never lucid dreamed before, but he thought, if he did, his sleep paralysis demon would be Stannis saying the word “Daddy.” All of a sudden, he was beginning to understand Selyse’s slow descent into insanity. 

“No, they don’t… The ‘Daddy’ kink - they,” Renly verbally flailed for a moment, feeling rather like his brother-in-law, Willas, before finally finding his metaphorical footing and clinging to it with a desperation he hadn't thought himself capable of. “You know, it’s usually better to start out vanilla, before you get into any of the kinkier stuff.”

“This… Vanilla you speak of, what does it consist of? Is it a food kink?”

How, in all Seven Hells, Stannis had learned about food kinks and CBT and didn’t know a thing about regular, vanilla gay sex, Renly had no idea. He didn’t _ want _ to have an idea, actually, and would rather go the rest of his days ignorant than gain one.

“Shit, Stannis, it’s just,” Helpless, Renly formed an _ O _ with his left hand, and penetrated it with his right pointer figure, attempting to demonstrate what he was finding increasingly hard to explain.

What happened next seemed to transpire as if in slow motion, as if Renly’s brain had recognized he was going through an incredibly traumatic moment and decided to capture it for future examination.

Stannis, too, brought up his own left hand, shaping it into an _ O _ , before taking his right, and violently shoving it into the hole created by the left, _ up to the elbow _. Renly could only watch, in dual horror and amazement, as Stannis proceeded to shove one hand through the other with surprising speed and dexterity. Other patrons at the upscale restaurant they were eating at began to turn, shocked and appalled at the dour man making the spectacularly crude gesture.

Renly was beginning to feel rather faint.

Luckily, before they could either be tossed out from the restaurant and face a potential life ban, or have to call an ambulance for Renly, Stannis stopped.

“Was that an accurate approximation of this ‘Vanilla’ activity?”

Mutely, Renly nodded. This was too much for one man to handle alone. He needed to call for reinforcements, and then immediately abandon those reinforcements and proceed to bleach the entire day from his brain.

“Stannis,” he began, cautiously, for fear of an encore of The Fisting Incident, “Can I see your phone?”

Stannis handed over his Google Pixel _ (The UI is far superior. Besides, Apple has far too much of a monopoly on the market.) _ without much of a fuss. Renly wasted no time in opening the Google Play app and downloading Grindr. He created an account, setting a few basic preferences that reminded him of his college days, before Loras had come into his life in a cloud of full-body Brazillians and the aforementioned monogamy.

“Here,” Renly said, already making to leave as he handed Stannis his phone back. “Just - just ask the first person who messages you on here. They’re probably better- They’ll know what to do.”

Renly watched in dumb shock as Stannis’s phone lit up, not seconds after the account was made active. Renly considered himself fairly attractive, and still it had taken him several minutes for notifications to start pouring in. _ Was Stannis secretly a sex god? _ He wondered.

_ Thoro.s.myr has requested to follow you _

_ Reigns_of_castamere Super-Swiped you! _

_ Reins_of_Castamere: Hello Stannis, I was not aware that you shared my particular… Proclivities. Perhaps we could meet and come to a mutually beneficial agreement? -TL_

Renly slammed a twenty-dragon note onto the table, despite not even having ordered yet, and fled. He wasn’t entirely sure, but he believed that he had just witnessed Tywin Lannister sliding into his brother’s DMs.

There were many things about this afternoon that Renly wished he could permanently scrub from his brain, yet, somehow, that took the cake.

***

Later that night, Stannis settled into bed with Davos and a six-hundred page grammatical compendium, as was his custom. 

However, that night, a rare deviation from routine found Stannis allowing his lips to turn up by approximately ten degrees, an expression that would have been a grimace on any other man. On Stannis, it was a _smile_.

Davos, who was always watching for such displays of levity from Stannis, chuckled, “What has you all cheerful?”

Stannis looked over his glasses to his boyfriend - perhaps, if tomorrow went according to Davos’s plans, his soon-to-be fiancee. 

“I led Renly to believe I was unaware of several common sexual practices. It was great fun.” 

Davos rolled his eyes, as was his tendency when Stannis said things like _ “Common sexual practices,” _ and responded, “You pull one over on your brother all the time. What is it _ really _?”

Stannis paused, as if gauging his boyfriend’s mood, before querying, “Do you remember last week, when you asked me about bringing another into our bed?”

“Yes,” Davos was hopeful, albeit cautiously so. Having a threesome had always been a secret fantasy of his, but his previous partners had never been particularly amenable to it. He had feared that Stannis might feel the same, and had taken months to broach the topic as a result.

“And do you remember how I expressed my wish to wait for a suitable partner?”

Davos _ mmhmm _ed, the beginnings of excitement brewing deep within him.

“Well,” Stannis paused briefly, drawing it out, “it just so happens that Tywin Lannister is on Grindr.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please excuse any inaccuracies related to Grindr's UI - being a lesbian, I haven't really had many opportunities to use it. Let me know if there's a way I could better reword my references to it.
> 
> Also, all information on the Google Pixel is ripped straight from a text convo with my brother - who I learned, over the course of writing this, is basically a ginger version of Stannis.


End file.
